The Story of ‘Run’

A few years ago, I was working three jobs during the summer. I moved into a new apartment with my girlfriend. I bought my first ‘new’ car. There was a lot of overwhelming change going on. I wasn’t always the best at dealing with overwhelming change.

One of my jobs was at a winery. I had a lot of responsibilities, and I truly loved the work and the people I worked with. But, my dream has always been to own a coffee shop, and I saw there was an opening at this cool place near my new apartment so I figured I would apply. I got the job and immediately loved it. There was a lot of schedule conflicts with that job and the winery, as well as me eventually having to finish up my last semester at college so it was just unfeasible to retain these jobs and I eventually left the winery. At the same time, I was playing a lot of cover gigs at bars down the shore, a lot of which where over an hour away. I was extremely busy.

While heading home from the coffee shop one day, it started to rain. I had been having some trouble with my brakes and figured I could just address it when I went back to the dealer to get an oil change. But, as I went to come to a stop, my car started to slide. I lost control and got into a head on collision with oncoming traffic and totaled my brand new car.

After that, I dealt with a lot of shame, and a lot of blame. Everyone I spoke to, from witnesses, to police, to the insurance all tried to make it out like it was my fault. “Are you sure you weren’t speeding?” “You’re positive you weren’t texting?” It felt like nobody cared how I felt, or that I just went through a traumatic experience. Even though I have witnessed several accidents on this same busy road, exactly where mine was, the blame was all on me. I sank into a deep depression full of guilt, pain, and anxiety.

I didn’t show up to a couple of gigs. I burned some bridges because I just could not pick up the phone and hear the disappointment in someones voice. I was having dreams replaying the situation for a few weeks after it happened. I couldn’t drive down that road for 3 months after the accident.

Instead of facing the situation head on, I ran.

I have dealt with depression for most of my life. I have gotten therapy sporadically, whenever I felt I needed it most. However, my therapy as of recently has been music.

Reliving this traumatic experience through Run has been therapeutic. I was able to voice my feelings in a way that seems honest, without putting blame on anyone else and instead address some of the flaws of my own character.

I’ve grown from this experience. I feel much more confident in myself now, more than I’ve ever felt before.

‘Well I make mistakes. I’m not, always the same I change’.

Run is about owning your mistakes. It is about growth. Acknowledgment of your flaws. Running from your problems will not solve them. Although it seems like the easiest way out, in the long run you will be left with so much guilt. People are understanding and want to help. As long as you approach a situation kind, honest and forthcoming, you will receive a genuine reaction of the same volition.

Running away is something I’ve been doing my whole life. It’s an issue I still deal with from time to time. I’m ready to stop running. I’m ready to love myself, own my mistakes, and move on.